31 mei 2010

HEART

When i started this blog i thought writing one post a week would be easily done. But somehow things went differently then i anticipated early on. Somewhere in the past i lost my drive, my energy, my will, to write.

Lost my drive to write because i got in a negative spiral concerning my chess results. Posts about kicking myself in the head, gut and balls, time after time, isn't what people want to read so i decided to not write and after a few weeks of not writing i stopped trying to come up with entries alltogether.

Lost my energy to write somewhere on the road from work to home. All i wanted to do after coming home, doing some cooking, eat and clean up the dishes, was putting my body into my comfortable sofa and watch a little tv while trying not to fall asleep.

Lost my will to write after not writing for a few weeks. It seemed that writing something,anything, which was once a pleasure to do, became an enormous work. What was once fun and enjoyable now felt as an enormous labour to do. Labour i couldn't get myself doing after a tiring day at work. So somewhere in the past i lost my heart for writing.

Coincidently it was at the same time i lost my heart for playing chess. My bad results chess game after chess game had sink my courage into my shoes and sometimes into the ground. Chess became labour, work. It went so far that even before i had to play a game i was already calling Murphy with thoughts of "And how will i lose today?" or "I bet for 10 euros that Caissa will let me loose today".

So at the moment i am searching for my chess- and writing heart. Did you see it somewhere? I need it when i am gonna play in the belgium national championship open section from 3-11 july and in the international tournament of Gand from 17-21 july.